Here are some statistics about my night at the New York Public Library's Young Lions Fiction Award Benefit on Monday:
Drinks I had to calm down before the event: 3
Additional drinks I told myself I would have before announcement of award, in case I had to get up on stage and talk: 0
Seconds of deliberation between being offered free champagne on arrival and accepting: 2.21
Unintentionally insulting comments made to fellow nominee Ben Lerner: 1
Times Ethan Hawke manhandled me into position for a photograph: 2
(*Unrelated) times I said "Thank you" to Ethan Hawke: 2
Times I met Jenny Slate without realising it was Jenny Slate: 1
Times I thought "oh shit, that was Jenny SLATE": 1 (at least)
Embarrassed flinches at awkward phrasing while listening to actor Vincent Piazza read my work: 6
Moments during said reading when I thought "what do I know this guy from, he looks so familiar?": 16
Times I IMDB'ed him afterwards: 2
Things I've actually seen him in: 0
So why did he look so damn familiar?: beats me
Times I said "Thank you again" to Ethan Hawke: 1
Times I saw winner Molly Antopol and considered stopping her to tell her (genuinely) how much I enjoyed her book and that I thought she far and away deserved to win: 5
Times I actually talked to Molly Antopol: 0
Mini tacos I ate while continuing to drink at after party: SHUT UP I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH
Liquor stores I attempted to go to on way back to hotel: 3
Bottles of "Vineyard Creek" wine-based beverage I considered buying at Duane Reade: 0
Bottles of overpriced hotel wine I bought instead: 1
Glasses of wine anybody else actually wanted: 0
Times I would do it all again: ∞
Drinks I had to calm down before the event: 3
Additional drinks I told myself I would have before announcement of award, in case I had to get up on stage and talk: 0
Seconds of deliberation between being offered free champagne on arrival and accepting: 2.21
Unintentionally insulting comments made to fellow nominee Ben Lerner: 1
Times Ethan Hawke manhandled me into position for a photograph: 2
(*Unrelated) times I said "Thank you" to Ethan Hawke: 2
Times I met Jenny Slate without realising it was Jenny Slate: 1
Times I thought "oh shit, that was Jenny SLATE": 1 (at least)
Embarrassed flinches at awkward phrasing while listening to actor Vincent Piazza read my work: 6
Moments during said reading when I thought "what do I know this guy from, he looks so familiar?": 16
Times I IMDB'ed him afterwards: 2
Things I've actually seen him in: 0
So why did he look so damn familiar?: beats me
Times I said "Thank you again" to Ethan Hawke: 1
Times I saw winner Molly Antopol and considered stopping her to tell her (genuinely) how much I enjoyed her book and that I thought she far and away deserved to win: 5
Times I actually talked to Molly Antopol: 0
Mini tacos I ate while continuing to drink at after party: SHUT UP I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH
Liquor stores I attempted to go to on way back to hotel: 3
Bottles of "Vineyard Creek" wine-based beverage I considered buying at Duane Reade: 0
Bottles of overpriced hotel wine I bought instead: 1
Glasses of wine anybody else actually wanted: 0
Times I would do it all again: ∞